I woke up this morning and had to walk through the rain to go to the most pointless class of my college career. I didn't mind the rain so much really. However, class was SO boring and we were talking about decomposition and then I started thinking about death and we ALL know what happens when I think about death. And I thought about how the class was pointless because eventually I'll be dead and none of this would have mattered.

After that tirade of shit, I went back to my roots and listened to Rent while missing my brother because I'll always connect him with that. Then, there was some Aida and then to class.

While in my Childhood Psychology class, we watched a video of kids' reactions to September 11th. Then we talked about disasters and grief and how to deal with them when it comes to children. As that went on, I pondered about my childhood and wondered how it affected me and how I basically fucked myself up.

I have this terrible fear being alone. Not, like, without a mate, but being by myself. And it's not bad during the day and fuck, I like being alone, but at nighttime, my imagination or sounds scare the shit out me and I get really upset and may freak out.

I was trying to figure out where this fear came from and so far, my best guess was that I was alone a lot as a child. I was a latch-key kid and so my parents were never home after school. Besides that, I was scared of things and never had the reassurance. Plus, I followed the JonBenet Ramsey case when I was just a kid and also was obsessed with the Princess Diana death. I spent hours watching her funeral on TV. Likewise, after September 11th, I came home to an empty house and watched the towers burn on television by myself.

And so maybe being alone as a child has made me scared to be alone now. I guess I never felt a sense of safety in some way or projected other anxieties into that fear and that's why this is how it is.

I walked back from class confused and feeling even worse only to find out my friend's father died in a plane crash today.

Fuck.